Official Downgrade :(

I have been totally depressed these few days after I got my results. It was an embarassing and devastating one. My parents are so dissapointed with me that they haven't talked to me up till today. I don't know what to do or what to say or how to react. I made the right choice to take my results at school with Amirah Mohd Nor and her parents instead going with mine. Both my parents got to know through a phone call and never spoke directly to me ever since. I hung out with AzwAzhr's mum and Mayo's bunch a lot, which made me contain myself long enough before I burst out crying and wailing. I almost lost it when I texted my aunts and uncles at Mayo's but I was too embarassed towards her so I held my tears and shrieks back. I wasn't sad, I was grieving.


Why do I have the urge to cry? Regret? I don't know, well, I don't think so. Cause it was my own doing and I have kind of prepared and expected it. During exam, I knew that I wasn't fully prepared and what I have with me ain't enough. After exam, I knew that my answers don't fulfill A+ requirements and I had done too much sins that leads them more astray than big scores. I'm very sure it all took effect cause I believe in karma.


However, I didn't cry that night. I cried a bit in the shower but I stopped myself. I have to thank Mayo and her mum for giving me this unknown strength. However blurr I had been while Aunty Nonie told me about how life is disregarding grades, I still get the hold of her effort to calm me down and enlighten me. I highly appreciate her trial but somehow it worked. Mayo and her texted me as well as Ilani who called me the night of, telling me how I should be strong and how a few A's isn't a big deal. I know these people love me and God knows how I love them back. My dad was freaking upset and he was letting it out towards Lutfil. I feel guilty yet I can do nothing. He came in my room before he went to bed and saw me moping.

Kaklong dapat 3A je eh?

Yeah. I'm sorry :(

Ala takpe, jangan sedih sedih.

*hugs me*

Thanks, Lutfil... :')

*teary smile*

Ayah marah marah Lutfil eh?

Ala janganlah tanya. Lutfil malas nak cerita.

Okay. Good night Kaklong gemuk..

*walks out of the room*

Okay good night Lutfil keding..

*bury my head in my pillow and cry*

I have so many supportive people around me, I can't bare to be more sad than I am. I try to forget yet it still lingers in my mind. So I get to bed. The next day,which was a Friday, it felt the same. Even worse, I cried while reciting doa after Subuh prayer. I slept the whole morning and got lots of miss calls and texts from aunts, uncles, boyfriend and girlfriends. Most were about consoling me on my official downgrade and a few friends asked me out to PWTC for an edufair. I replied Mayo's and AzwAzhr's only. Nobody woke me up and no one asked me to eat so I ended up staying in bed the whole day until I realised that I pity my physical that needs bathing. So I did. Had dinner cause I was starving and logged in Facebook and Twitter hesitantly. No, I didn't reply those asking on my results and yeah, I wasn't bothered to blog. I was still grieving.

Today felt brand new and partially energised. I used the mood and the absence of my parents towards a productive one. The next thing I know, I got a mop in my hands and I've already done the living room,dining room, dry and wet kitchen. I just had to move my bum for a bit. Washed the porch floors and did the laundry. As I'm writing this, I'm soaking wet due to rain-playing 10 minutes ago. I AM NOT JOKING. Post depression can be scary yet rejuvenating. I feel hyped, thanks to those who never let me down with my own thoughts. I love you guys.

By the way, I got caught with Ayah just now. I was laughing and dancing. When he saw me, his jaw dropped and I could only say "O'ohh" and smile. He can't help laughing himself and I saw it in his face that he knows it was kinda fun :D He walked away saying nothing.. *pheww*

Conclusion? I am now a new Mell. And I've improvement and a broken pride to fix. On my way, guys.. On my way :)

xoxo.